Arthur and the Cakes
by Sadik
Summary: Based on the story "Alfred and the Cakes." It's 878. England, forced out into the marshes by Denmark, stays at the home of a swineherd and his wife, where he is asked to help bake bread. Oneshot.


Based on an actual story from English history, "Alfred and the Cakes", but of course they've all been replaced with Hetalia characters. Just so you know, Poland and Lithuania have absolutely nothing to do with the story. But they were more interesting than just having random people...

Oh, and the genre is angst and Humor because the beginning is slightly angsty, but the rest is humor... -shot-

**DISCLAIMER:** Hetalia is, obviously, not mine. If it was, there would be so much more TurkeyxGreece. But, sadly, there is not.

--

England ground his teeth. _Those damn Vikings!_ They kept coming and invading his land. Denmark and Norway, mostly, but especially Denmark. He was always grinning like an idiot, but his prowess in battle was unmatched. Recently, he'd even stopped going home in the winter, choosing instead to stay in England's land. He had already taken all of the northern land, and even started his own Danish speaking kingdom. England, young and inexperienced as he was, had no choice but to pay Denmark that stupid Danegeld every year, just to keep Denmark from taking over the rest of his territory. But now, it seemed, that just wasn't enough for him.

Denmark had come with his army and, without even using too much effort, taken over the rest of England's land. England was weak, and Denmark had had much practice, raiding all over as he did. So it didn't take Denmark much trouble at all to force England off his land, and into hiding in the fens.

The fens, or marshes, were a miserable place to be. They were all soggy. _Everything_ was soggy. England's feet were wet, his clothes were damp. Even worse, he was always hiding, fearing Denmark would come looking for him. He went through bog after bog, with barely any dry land. Plus there was almost no food. He managed to get some from the locals, but they didn't have much to share, barely having enough for themselves.

This particular night, England was staying with a swineherd and his wife. As he was warming up by their fire, the wife approached him.

"Hey, can I, like, ask what your name is? 'Cause you're, like, so totally hawt."

"Oh, er, right. I'm Arthur. And thanks for letting me stay here."

"I'm, like, Feliks. And you can, like, totally stay here as long as you want. Oh, by the way? I'm, like, baking bread right now, but I have to, like, totally go bother Toris and his pigs right now, so, like, can you watch them for me? So, like, all you have to do is, like, turn them over before they're, like, all burnt."

"Of course! Anything to repay you for being so kind."

As the woman walked off, England stared at the loaves intently. But he had never really cooked before, and was unsure of when the appropriate time to turn them would be. And he was so tired… It was nice and warm here, no bloody Vikings coming to bother him. No stupid, annoying, gits like Denmark. Just the smell of the bread cooking… Wait, how _was_ he supposed to know when to turn those? They seemed to be turning a rather dark color…

And then he felt a slap. Looking up, holding a hand to his stinging cheek, he saw the enraged woman staring at him.

"Like, oh. My. God. Like, why did you not turn the bread? I am, like, so totally mad at you now."

"Er… I'm sorry, ma'am… It's just that I don't really cook much." He felt a blush grow on his face, but went over to the fire to turn the bread in order to hide it.

"Well, you're, like, so hawt that I, like, don't care. But, like, learn how to cook!"

"Alright, I'll try."

England spent the rest of the night there, and prepared to leave early the next morning. The couple was there to see him off, the wife seeming slightly sad even.

"Hey, like, come again! Like, totally come whenever you wanna. 'Cause, I, like, really like you."

"Feliks!" The brown haired man seemed hurt. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, of course I, like, totally love you, Toris. But hawt strangers are, like, totally cool, too." She wrapped her arms around her husband to prove her point.

"Feliks, stop it! We are both guys, you know…"

England stopped dead at that point, staring at the woman- no, man. "Wait… You're a guy?"

"You, like, didn't know? But I, like, make such a pretty girl. So, like, if you want, I can, like, totally be a girl."

"Er… That's okay… Well, I'll be leaving now. Thank you for your hospitality."

From that day on, England was determined to cook well. Of course, he blocked from his mind the fact that he was inspired by a man who looked like a rather pretty girl. But ever since, England continued cooking and giving it to everyone he could hold down. Someday… Someday they wouldn't all run screaming from the mention of his cooking. Someday…

--

_A/N:I know that according to Hetalia's timeline, England should be a little kid right now, if he even exists yet, since it's 878. But whatever, screw timelines. England can be big if I want him to be... It proves England's been bad at cooking for over 1100 years now -shot-_

_The EnglandxPoland bit is complete and total crack XD Originally, this was actually supposed to be somewhat historical… It actually started as just a random woman, but somehow it turned into Poland O.o And no flirting... Oh, and sorry if I failed at writing Poland...  
_

_Anyways, this is based on the story of _Alfred and the Cakes_. In it, King Alfred (who is, by the way, the only English king to ever be called "great") is forced out into the marshes by the Danish Vikings that had taken over most of England. One day, he's at the house of a swineherd and his wife. He's too caught up in his troubles and the bread burns, earning him a reprimand from the wife, not knowing that he was actually the king. And somehow later that became cakes… Of course, the first written record of the story is from 100 years after Alfred's death, so it probably never actually happened. But it's still fun._

_So, I used the book _Great Tales from English History_ by Robert Lacey as a reference. It's actually a rather interesting book, if anyone's interested in checking it out. (It was actually one of my eighth grade textbooks from when we were learning about English history…)_

_Review please? Even if it's just pointing out typos... *hates typos*  
_


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